HATHIAN — In a startling discover, it has been found that 99 percent of the population misuse the newspaper. How you ask? Well we asked around and found a few reasons as well as some very upset readers and respecters of this American Institution.
First we talked with local business owner Rippen Botha, who was more than upset at this blatant disrespect for her beloved newspaper.
“I think, in all honesty, the newspaper should be revered as a shining example of how paper products actually benefit the world,” said Botha. “There is this tragic move in the world to make this a paperless society, and I think it’s as damn shame. The newspaper is an institution, not a toilet, or a wrapper for nasty fish and FRIES!”
“Yes, I completely agree that it is unjust and unfair to use the good newspaper, to wrap up fish and chips,” she continued. “I think the British are utterly insane for asking that of it, and they should all be shot and stabbed for the vicious and evil act.”
“In fact, I believe the act of using you, good newspaper, for housebreaking puppies and lining birdcages is completely ludicrous, and I mean to put an end to it immediately,” she says punctuating her point. “I will begin a crusade against the misuse of newspapers everywhere. We will fight the unjust misuse of the daily publication, and instead, will encourage the public to use other publications, such as Playboy, Penthouse and Forced!”
She than throws her fist in the air, “VIVA LA NEWSPAPER!”
Hathian Police Sgt. Peyote Bender, doesn’t agree… “Stupid bitch, newspaper is only good for a few things, and print news isn’t one of them.”
Bender, a longtime proponent of wasteful paper use, continues, “Rippen needs to take that newspaper she’s trying to save, and shove it up her big fat ass. What else are the British gonna wrap their fish and chips in? Tissues? Napkins? Paper plates? I think not…”
Bender then “wraps” it up by stating defiantly, “People need to stop coddling the god damned newspaper, and use it for all its worth. Use it for what it is, a media for people to jot down thoughts, ideas and feelings, so that dogs can use it for evacuating their bowels, and the homeless can use it for insulation in the cold winter winds. Kiss my ass, Dagger, ya hear me? DOWN WITH THE PAPER!”
Senior Officer Sirus D. Plunkett also had his opinion of the newspaper “I have used the newspaper to beat a few people, I vote keep it. I mean when you’re done reading it, it make an effecting tool to swat away pesky individuals and bugs.”
Fire Department Lt. Boysie Blaisdale was just as outraged at the insult to the British’s use of newspaper for fish and chips. “Well what good is yesterday’s news for today? We are just recycling it.”
Then in a fit of rage yelled at the reporter “I AM SAVING LIVES!”
To which fellow FDH member and EMT Richard Ceriano said, “What ever gets my face in the paper for saving a life, it gets me…” he pauses for a moment and smirks “I don’t have to say it, but all the fire fighters know what I mean by that.”
The Observer wants to know what you think about all of this. Should the newspaper be saved or used as people see fit?