* Campus Crackdown I *

3 mins read

Welcome to the Columtreal U Campus Crackdown newspaper – proud to be #1 in soaking up your bong spillage since 2005!

Higher learning is all well and good, but these days, Columtreal University enrolls every student, faculty member in a different kind of curriculum: High excitement.

Be sure to read to the end to see what wild events are coming soon!

Campus is still swirly thanks to football and cheerleading try-outs last weekend. Dannika Dryke and Dizzy Pausch, both sisters of the Eta Alpha Beta sorority, distinguished themselves as co-head cheerleaders by keeping energy soaring. But as things are wont to do in Hathian, soaring became spiraling out of control as, according to Eta Alpha Beta sister and cheerleader, Izzy Button, “try-outs were momentarily marred” by a boy, Freshman Yuuki Nanako, taking the field with a flamboyant routine.

Decency plunged to a new low as two “dancers,” according to Button, “spelled out ‘WHORE’ for the cheerleaders.” This seems like throwing stones in a glass house to me – if the height of your career path is “Riverdance,” turning tricks looks downright respectable by comparison.

Yes, creative energy is just spurting out all over Columtreal. We welcomed History Professor and decorated war hero, Jaymes Haystack and a new choir teacher.

Campus can get a bit too wild for comfort.

This is especially true when boozed-up Irish security officials are concerned, as last Friday when a guard and an unknown “deputy” proceeded to try to forcibly fondle students under the guise of a “stop and search.” The Constitutionality of these dubious deeds aside, obvious lechery demanded payback, and some Beta sisters were quick to step in. “Don’t taze me, sis!” echoed around the quad as the scummy lush and his partner took blasts of righteous H.A.B. voltage before turning to their heels.

This coming Friday, the Betas will be demonstrating their duties extend beyond watching the watchmen around here: The Greeks will be tossing a toga party.

If you’re not invited, don’t worry – you can still enjoy the pleasures of dressing up in costume when welcomed by the Society for Creative Anachronism, without any of the drinking, flirting and fun in a toga party to distract you. Remember to brush up on your Tolkein trivia to be welcomed with open arms!

For those who are invited, bring a friend to carry you home or someone there will surely take it on themselves to see you “safely tucked in bed.”

Of course, if there’s one rule about going to school in Hathian, it’s this:

We learn our lessons the hard way.

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