Vato to Vato: Holiday Edition

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Advice column submitted by Chong Diabolito.

My name is Carlos Diabolito, although everyone knows me as Chong. Almost every paper has an advice column for women by women, or other groups but none that are just advice from one Vato (guy or male) to another. Working in and around the adult film industry for the past 4 years, running an XXX Shop, creating the first XXX EMS Service, and living life on my own terms I often get questions from some poor Vato who don’t know what to do with their women problems. My advice may not be applicable for women or members of different communities who define themselves as they do, I give Vato advice for confused Vatos.

As the holiday season arrives, I have so much knowledge to share with you Vatos! And so many questions to respond to. Although not all of them were directed to me directly, I feel that everything happens for a reason. So, the universe has sent me these questions in the way it saw fit.

 

So what do I get my woman for Christmas?

This is complicated, where you have to put yourself in the spirit of the season and be like Santa Clause. You decide if she made the naughty or nice list.

So, you say, “How do I decide that?”

Here are the 10 basic indicators.

1. Did she wake you up at anytime when you were sleeping just cause she was bored or didn’t like that you were sleeping?
2. In bed, did she ever talk of nothing but herself?
3. Did she nag about dumb sh-t like hanging Christmas lights or finishing something outside of your own schedule?
4. Did she ever suggest that you do any sort of house work other than take out the trash? There is nothing wrong with a Vato who volunteers of his own free will to do housework, but if she suggested it that’s a red flag.
5. Did she say anything bad about your mom?
6. Did they compare you to an ex?
7. Did they air your personal business on social media?
8. Did they cheat on you?
9. Did they expect you to go hang out with their family?
10. In sexual situations with you and her did word “no” ever come out of her mouth?
Tie Breaker Question: 11. Did she call you for no reason when she knew you were out with another Vato doing Vato stuff like drinking, hanging out to get a break from her, shooting guns in he woods, or watching a game?

Each of these are worth 10 points. How did she add up?
If she got more than 40 points, you get into a judgment area based on how many times they did some of them.
40 to 60 is the gray area, where you have to use judgment as the level for preponderance of of evidence is 51%.
If she hit 60 or more she’s on the naughty list.

This only applies if you have been together more than 6 months. Less than 6 months is same process; just get her an Amazon Card based on her inverted score. So. if she got a 70, she gets a $30 gift card.

More than six months, the rule to live by is women love vacuum cleaners. If they make the cut for the good list, get her a Roomba. Say she was so good you want her to just be able to relax during the usual vacuum time. If the score was close, get her an off brand. If she made the naughty list, get her a Shop Vac. They are great and cleaning up but the cord is always short, its hard to move around and they got to work at it. I use one myself cause it picks up socks and stuff no problem, so she should love it anyway.

Don’t do stockings. Just get a Christmas sock, have it on your c-ck. If she brings up, “How come I don’t have a stocking?”, just say “You know mami, you got the only stocking I wanted to stuff.” Then pull out your Christmas c-ck Sock.

 

When is it too late to break up before Christmas, so I don’t have to get her a gift?

Okay, this is a tricky one as my experience is due to natural circumstances and timing. It’s not to avoid a gift around the holidays. Women are gonna be mad if you break up with them period. For this reason it is often better just to convince them to break up with you. They are happier that way. And what do you care? She’s gone, right? So it don’t matter when you do it. If you have to ask this question, it comes down to if you don’t really have long term plans with her already. And the sex is good enough to not just end it regardless of the date. I recommend getting the gift cause getting a new expendable girlfriend is more expensive in the long run because dinners, drinks, and all that crap adds up versus the price of a Roomba or Shop Vac.

 

My woman has kids that aren’t mine. Do I have to get them presents since I’m not their dad?

Yeah vato, you do. Sometimes being a vato means doing the right thing. Get them something cool their real dad won’t give them: like fireworks or a pellet gun.

 

My woman asked me what I want for Christmas. If I say I don’t care she’s gonna get me something I don’t want. I know she’s not going to get me something I need, because if it didn’t cost too much, I would already have it. What should I tell her?

My advice here is tell her what you really want out of her. For example, one weekend a month you want her to just be your live-in sex slave. Stay stuck in cuffs and chained to the bed, kept on a leash, that sort of thing. I mean, whatever your thing is, that’s just an example. That way they don’t spend money on dumb stuff and you might get what you wanted in the first place.

We sell “Adult Relationship Coupons” at the XXX Shop that can be filled in or are already filled out with different things like “blow job with ice in mouth” or “dress me up the way you want to f-ck me”. Stop by the shop and take a look. Also, get her a copy of the XXX Calendar and say “Every month we are going to try whatever getish is shown. You know, I am looking out for you Vatos and didn’t have no strap on pics in there for that very reason.

 

My woman wants me to put up all these lights and decorations, but its a lot of work and only 10 days left. Should I do it?

F-ck no. Instead, drive her around the neighborhood and look at other peoples lights.

Say things like, “I’m so glad our carbon footprint isn’t that big.” Climate change is normal and natural and has happened on the planet since before people were here. It drives evolution. It is unstoppable. A Vato knows this, so f-ck climate change. You’ll be dead by then anyway. If it helps your argument and avoids doing some sh-t you don’t want to do, it is perfectly acceptable to use it to justify it. After that, pull your car over and position her so she can look at lights while you guys bang in the car on a public street. Makes the driving around looking at dumb lights worth it and she will appreciate it.

 

 My woman wants to watch parades and stupid New Year’s shows. I hate it. What should I do?

This is why MDMA was invented. New Year’s parties are fun until you are like 22 and then they are just stupid. Now unless you just don’t like having sex with her, (if that’s the case why you with her Vato?), this is the time to say, “Yeah, let’s spend it together.”

Take twice the normal dose and spend the next six hours bringing in the New Year right. You won’t feel any worse the next day than if you went out drinking and no DUI risks. If you sustain an erection longer than 3 hours, just keep going and worry about medical well being after you finish.

 

Good luck,
Chong

Are you a guy who needs real advice one dating, relationships, sex, or anything guy related? Send your question to Vato to Vato and become enlightened.

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