Advice column submitted by Chong Diabolito.
My name is Carlos Diabolito, although everyone knows me as Chong. Almost every paper has an advice column for women by women, or other groups but none that are just advice from one Vato (guy or male) to another. Working in and around the adult film industry for the past 4 years, running an XXX Shop, creating the first XXX EMS Service, and living life on my own terms I often get questions from some poor Vato who don’t know what to do with their women problems. My advice may not be applicable for women or members of different communities who define themselves as they do, I give Vato advice for confused Vatos.
What is a Man?
I saw that Geoffrey posted a survey on Twitter asking: What is a man? As a Vato I was surprised that the most commonly selected answer was “A Miserable Pile of Secrets.”
I don’t think any man answered the survey as there was no correct response. It may have come from self-loathing males or based on the opinion of women because they had a bad experience with a male. As a Vato you should remember the lion does not concern himself with the opinion of sheep nor the lioness. If you were male and answered this, you need to have your testosterone levels checked.
So Vato, what is a man?
Simply put, a man looks at the world and he knows that it tempts him every day. It whispers in his ear in many forms: the voice of a woman, a friend, the police, politicians. They all say the same thing.
They tell you, “Give us your submission and we will give you all the comfort that you need.”
A man hears this and says there is no comfort worth that price. For this choice the man will face consequences because those voices that tempt you want tame, neutered, and timid lions. A man looks into the eyes of his executioner and says, “Get on with it motherf-cker.”
A man is eager to see his partner enjoy sex, is willing to buy what ever toys he needs to make them cum over and over again. He knows each one of those, he owns them all. So for the tools you need to be a real man, stop by the XXX Shop and we will get you all set up. Finally, don’t use emojis, do not say BFF, and never enjoy Madonna or Cher and you are on the right path.
“So some woman messaged me and said do you know your column makes you sound like a woman hater?”
No, Karen, you just aren’t used to Vatos being honest. Go feed your 42 cats, send nudes, or STFU.
“So this woman keeps talking to me but I’m not interested in sex with her. Should I keep talking to her cause she needs a friend?”
F-ck no. Do you need a friend? It sounds like you are considering being her pity friend. If that is the case, you need to just start tucking your junk up like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs cause you may as well have a vagina. Vato, only make friends with women you want to sleep with that’s common sense.
“So I like this guy, but I’ve been friend zoned, what do I do?”
This comes from a female who apparently realized I give better advice than b-tches do.
Well Vato to chicka, you have two choices.
Option 1. Forget him and move on. You didn’t want to be his friend to begin with, so don’t settle for that. Forget him and find someone who wants you the way you want them. This is the most direct and honest way to handle it like an adult. Do not settle. Move on and don’t look back. However most people are unable to do this so there is Option 2 for people who just can’t say f-ck it and move on.
Option 2. Figure out who his friends are or relatives and start banging them. Throw it at all of them like your life depends on it. You become the fast and furious of friend fuckers and take them all on.
Most of them are gonna be like “Damn, she did everything from toss my salad to ask for a Boston Pancake.”
He may never want you the way you want him, but he will regret friend zoning you and some times that has to be enough.
Are you a guy who needs real advice one dating, relationships, sex, or anything guy related? Send your question to Vato to Vato and become enlightened.