Dear Grace: Violated

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Dear Grace,

please help me. I don’t know what to do. Iv’e been with my boyfriend for six years, and living together for three. We’re so in love. Or kinda. I do love him, but he touches me all the time. Like ALL the time. Everytime i walk past him, he touches my breasts or my ass. everytime i’m trying to clean or do the washing, he gropes me, he pesters me for sex almost constantly, and turns everything sexual, wether it is or not. Movie nights in. Foot massages, baths i take…he barges in and touches me, trying to initiate sex. We’ve always had a great sex life but since he’s become so sexually needy and pushy iv’e been wanting to do it less. The way he is turns me off. I feel like i’m a human sex toy and nothing else, like i’m here for his pleasure, not for an actual relationship. We’re actually planning our wedding but now i don’t know if i want to marry him.

Because last night something happened. And i don’t know if what i think happened, actually happened or if i’m being over sensitive. We haven’t had sex in a week, because i haven’t wanted to, and last night, he tried to pressure me to have sex with him and i said no. We both went to sleep. Then i woke up and he was on top of me, having sex with me, while i was asleep. It was still dark. I freaked out and pushed him off me and went and slept on the couch. Now it’s morning and he’s up, eating breakfast, acting like nothing happened. We haven’t spoken about it. I feel so dirty and i feel like it was a wrong thing but maybe i’m just being too sensitive. Rape only happens in dark alleyways, right? It’s always violent, right? Please help me

– Violated

Dear Violated,

He raped you. No ifs, buts, maybes, or questions. This is rape. Just because you share a bed, just because you are engaged, just because you are planning a wedding, it does NOT give him the right to take your body without permission. You have said no. No means no. If he cannot understand that, then he is the problem, not you. Unconscious people can’t say yes to sex. Rape can happen between couples, it DOES happen between them, too often and it looks like your experience. Rape doesn’t have to be violent or in dark alleys. If you don’t believe me about him raping you. Look at how you feel. You say you feel dirty – a normal reaction for a rape survivor. No… you are not being too sensitive.

You have a lot of thinking to do now, do you want to be with a man who would violate you like that? A man, who after you pushed him off you didn’t apologize? A man who won’t open dialogue the following morning, knowing that you are upset? A man who can’t respect your boundaries?

You and he need to talk about this and set firm boundaries if you are going to continue the relationship. The good news is this, it may have been a genuine mistake. You didn’t properly recognize it as rape so perhaps he didn’t. So talk to each other, address his horniness and your resistance to it, address this incident, and make it clear it should never happen again. Show him this article if you want. I also suggest you get some help, something like this can be overcome. I have seen couples come back from something like this and been stronger than ever. Get counselling, individually and as a couple. See where you end up. You can save this relationship if you have a mind to, but, remember if you don’t have a mind to it’s okay to walk away.

I hope this helps,

Grace

 

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