Dear Grace: Uncommitted and Happy

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Dear Grace,

I think I am in love with another man. I am currently in a committed happy relationship. We haven’t been together long, but I feel like things have been going really well. However, I have a very close guy friend and when I am around him we just laugh for hours and I get those butterflies in my stomach. I don’t know if I should drop the friend and end our friendship or tell my boyfriend how I feel? I am just confused and don’t want anyone hurt.

Anon

Dear uncommitted and happy,

It took me a while to think of a good response to this. I don’t really have anything to say that you don’t already know. So, let’s start with the most obvious bit. If another man is giving you butterflies, you are neither committed to them nor happy with them. A person who is happy with their partner does not tend to consider leaving them for someone else.

You are stuck between two people. The first person, your partner, is secure, safe, and known. The friend is exciting, fun, and new. The feelings you have with the friend could die out too if you pursued a relationship with them. Butterflies and laughter usually gives way to something else. And you need to decide if you want to keep with what you know or embark on something different. I can’t tell you what to do. Although I do wonder if that was what you were hoping for.

You don’t have to lose one to have the other in your life. You can keep the friend in the appropriate zone and still have your relationship. You can stick with your partner and regain the butterflies, make things more fun and find the laughter again, but this requires you to put your energies into them rather than the friend. Sometimes hard work can be daunting especially if there is a chance it would be for nothing.¬†However, I don’t think you even want the friend at this juncture, you are looking for a way to sleep with them, a way to satisfy your lust.

Someone is going to get hurt no matter what you do. Just be very, very sure of what you want. In all this, I do feel sorry for your partner, I wonder if they suspect your feelings for your friend already. I just hope you will at least be gracious enough to tell your partner the truth. It’s not a failing in them, but rather one in you.

I hope you find your solution,

Grace

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