22 mins read

(The following is a video posted on the Observer website of Episode 2 of The Hathian Bachelor reality show.) 


The episode begins with the panning out of contestants as the bachelor, Colonel James Weaver departs from the mansion and a member of the production team wearing a headset and holding a clipboard walks over to the ladies to let them know that David forgot the keys at home and the mansion was not accessible, however they were being provided with cots, sleeping bags, port-a-potties and an outdoor dinner.  The PA very quickly leaves the premises and the camera zooms into each contestants face for their horrified reactions.

Max let her jaw drop, painting a picture without her usual exquisite delicacy of her features as the news was ‘ Y’all sleeping outside.’ Literally, her mouth fell open almost in slow motion — perhaps the producers would actually do that you know, the biggest eyeballing eye-roll with fingers twitching in a fist. She wore fake Versace and jumbo jewelry for a reason, she wasn’t chasing pipe dreams — she was here to make her ex jealous and innit to wing-it. “Ah, merde” She muttered “T’is s’ow ain’ wort’ a damn.” Irked. As she felt like she hadn’t made the best impression bringing up sexual preferences. Hey, she couldn’t help herself, it came with her background. At least they hadn’t talked about her career. The nearest suitcase, whoever it belonged to would be trapped against angrily to relief some of that frustration. “Y’all t’inkin’ I am sleeping’ outside?!” she grunted out, whether the poor crew was right onto her or not “Fuck t’at I got more s’it to do t’an sit ‘ere freezing’ my fuckin’ tits off, If y’all need me — Y’all got my number.” Whether she was halted, or reminded of signed contracts she wouldn’t care, instead she reached for her phone, maybe using this situation to still make it to run some errands with her oh-so-legitimate Rub N Tug business, before Lolli would take over. Nevertheless, if anyone answered where she was going she would be moving for the suitcase she had brought answering “N’awlins, fuckers.”

Just for fun, the camera then cuts to the Colonel at his undisclosed location as he settles in an arm chair with the newspaper, a glass of whatever his favorite poison was.  The shot stays on him for a while as he reads one panel of the paper, and then the other, then flips to the next page, reads one side… then the other.  Riveting stuff.

Cut back to the mansion, Ana heard the crew call for a wrap up as the Colonel left them.  She glanced around as various pieces of equipment were moved around to better locations for simply recording what goes on in the mansion.  The producer steps up to announce that David left the keys at home and they are locked out for the night.  She sighs and shakes her head, not entirely surprised by this news.  It’s a good thing the weather is warm this time of year and she hopes it doesn’t rain.  She smiles a bit to the other girls and nods her head, shifting away from them.  She sends a text or few out and looks through Twitter, keeping herself quietly occupied away from the others as the pain meds begin to wear off.  Fortunately, she’s in a wheelchair that she has grown accustomed to camping out in, so it’s not a problem for her.  Later in the episode Ana would be seen sleeping in her wheelchair.

The shot cuts back to James who seems to now be getting ready for bed as he walks out of the bathroom buttoning up the shirt of his striped pajamas.  He suddenly stops as he looks over his shoulder, and after what feels like a long pause, he picks up the little lint ball on his shoulder and flicks it away, continuing to walk along.

Back at the mansion, ​Ren would gasp softly at the news of them not having access to their house. Eyes darting toward her mountain of luggage that seemed  to dwarf everyone  else’s , moving into the midst of her bags , she began pulling things from her suitcases , she definitely had one of everything, in there. Ren began building a fort , lastly taking out her favorite blanket and pillow and changing into sweats  to get comfy , emerging from her  fort she ran to pull cushions from the  chaise on the patio , dragging them into her luggage fort ,for added comfort.  Peeking out she  called , ” Night everyone wake me when the crew arrives to open the Mansion!” dragging the suitcase door  back into place , for privacy .

Cut to the Colonel where he is stretching out his torso and closing the lights and lamps around the house, each room going into darkness one by one until he finally gets into bed and flicks off the lamp on his night stand.

At the mansion, Em just shrugged her shoulders.  She’d move to her bag to pull out some nice set of pajamas to change into as the production team sets up the cots that they were to sleep on for the night.

She pulls out a book from her bag as well and then moves to one of the cots that were set up under a little cloth canopy.  “This is great.  Like camping!”  She says with enthusiasm as she goes to change and then rolls onto the cot she’d claimed and wiggles to see how comfortable it would be.  Contended with it, she’d set the book down beside the cot, and then get up and go in search of a couple of blankets. Being from Canada, she would have no problem sleeping outside in the warm evening, as this would not be in anyway cold to her.  She used to go camping every summer with her family, so sleeping outside was nothing new to her either.  She was actually pretty stoked about the opportunity!  Nature is relaxing, and they were by the water here! After a moment of consideration, she’d talk to the production team and see about getting her cot and tent-like set up moved to the water’s edge so she could fall asleep to the sound of the waves lapping at the shore.  Em then heads back to the mansion, in search of whatever they’ve ordered for dinner.  The Canadian would converse congenially with the other women as they ate dinner before she retired back to her little cot set up and stretched out happily on the cot with her book and read to the relaxing sound of water.

Finally the shot goes back to the Colonel, in the nice comfy bed, with the covers on him… and the sound of light snoring.  Fade to Black.
—————————————————-THE NEXT DAY———————————————————

As the mansion finally opens up the next day, the ladies would move in and get settled in their rooms.
Later that night…
​Ana has managed to sneak away from the camera crew for a bit to enjoy her evening doing ….well, absolutely nothing.  Now, she wheels herself through the grounds, glad that it’s quiet and the others are either sleeping or not here.  She lifts a hand to brush at her hair, smiling to one of the security people.  “Help?” she asks, gesturing to the stairs.  He grunts at her and scoops her up from the chair to carry her up the stairs, bringing the wheelchair with.  She, of course, is draped over his shoulder in a most disgraceful fashion, her face in his back.  At the top of the stairs, he twists the chair around and slides her from his shoulder to set her inside it.  “Thanks…” she mutters dryly, taking control enough to get herself inside.

Ren came down from her suite to the main living room area , smiling as she saw Ana , the film crew  around them watching expectantly , waiting for something to happen , taking a seat on the couch the  blonde crossed her legs , ” Hi , I hope you are having a nice time so far ,do you mind if i ask what happened to your legs ?”

Ana hears Ren as the camera crew at the house shuffles around to get better lighting and such.  She bobs her head in a greeting as the woman comes around and sits on the couch.  And there it is…that question, the one she’s not relishing the idea of answering.   “Oh, …” she says, shifting a bit to tug at her shorts.  “Long story short, I was on the wrong end of a cop with a bad attitude…” Obviously, there’s more to it than that, but she doesn’t want to make herself look bad on camera…or for the world to know exactly what happened.

Ren nodded solemnly , ” I used to be a cop , the Lieutenant , but I was one of the good ones ,I never arrested  anyone, except for once  when I sort of arrested  every gang member in town on accident ,  to make a long story short the cells were full , and we didnt even have Netflix , so I sang and danced for them , cause they looked bored , and I was trying to keep their minds off of having an orgy ” …  realizing the story was a bit rambling and odd she  just flashed another smile , re-fluffed her hair , and  uncrossed and re-crossed her legs, ” I hope you get them off soon , I was in a wheel chair once , because of a head injury and  losing a kidney ”  Ren just kept throwing more  tabloid  fodder out there , after all any press was good press , and  this was her ticket to the big time

Ana tilts her head a bit as Ren confesses to being a cop and one of the good ones, though Ana isn’t sure believes that.  Delicate brows lift upward as Ren keeps on, talking about accidentally arresting every gang member.  “How do you accidentally arrest…everyone?”  Clearly, the concept of an ‘accidental’ arrest baffles her.  She watches the woman go about preening and adjusting herself, suddenly aware of the cameras again.  “Well, I’m sorry for the kidney loss?” she asks, not really sure she’s following the conversation completely.  “I’m not sure when they’re going to come off, but I hope soon as well.  I’m tired of this stupid chair…” she grouses a little.

Ren nodded looking a bit sadly at the casts , then back to Ana , sort of waving her hand dismissively , ” The gangs were meeting to protest the police , shots were fired the SWAT team was called , I got shot with frozen paint balls  in my ass … the details are foggy , but when all was said and done , I don;t regret shooting Lewis ” , her nose scrunched up as she spat out his name , “Lewis , ruined  thousands , maybe millions of dollars worth of my shoes .. he set a bonfire in the street … I was so mad I wanted to kill him , but I didn’t  because murder is illegal and stuff , I was playing with my gun and it accidentally fired  and hit Lewis , a lucky coincidence since he was  guilty anyhow ..” looking around she  turned a bit facing Ana , ” so who do you think is our biggest competition ?”

Ana just stares at Ren for a moment, having no idea who she’s talking about.  A blink is given when Ren turns to face her a little, asking about the competition.  She lifts her shoulders a bit, shaking her head.  “I…don’t know, really.’  She hasn’t spent much time around the other girls, despite being here in the mansion with them.  “Maybe you…” she says, giving Ren a little a smile.  “You seem to have Pinkie Pie’s vote…”  Her gaze travels up the stairs to the suite.  “And the best room in the house….”  Though, for her, it would have been a useless thing to have.  It’s hard enough to get up and down the stairs as it is, much less an additional floor.  “And you?” she returns the question to Ren, curious

Ren nodded , ” That’s true , if i weren’t me I would say me , but since I am me , I am going to say that lady  doctor , or you men love red hair you know , I was a red head for a day once ” laughing a little , ” though David isn’t the bachelor , and if he were , we  would all have penis’s ”

Ana arches her brows when Ren names her as a ‘threat’.  She snorts softly and shakes her head.  “Maybe if I weren’t in the chair…” she mutters, shrugging it off.  She does blush a little bit though.  “To be honest, I don’t think the hair color phases the Colonel.”  A tilt of her head again as Ren says she was ‘red for a day’ and her comment on David.  “Oh….yeah, she might be competition…” she agrees about the doctor lady.  She’s really gotta work on remembering all the names.  There aren’t a lot of them to keep straight .

Ren was a bit narcissistic and really didn’t pay attention  to the other girls names , at least not yet, ” I thought the Colonel might stop by and say hello , I mean  just to get to know us in a  group setting , before we go on our dates , and see if anything is there “, shrugging it off , ” I had a dream I had the Colonels babies and they  all had one eye , and walked with little teeny canes .. I wonder if I should talk to some one spiritually ,  you know to interpret my dream “, laughing as she realized she may need to filter herself being under the constant scrutiny of the cameras and America

Ana gives that bird-like tilt of her head again as Ren speaks of her dream.  “Interesting…” she murmurs, trying to control her impulse to fidget.  “Well, I can’t interpret dreams, really….” she begins, flashing a little smile.  “But I can read tarot cards….” she says conversationally.  If Ren is dreaming of having the Colonel’s babies, what chance does she have?  She’s not even sure she wants children and for the first time, she’s questioning what kind of fit she would be for the Colonel, brows dipping slightly.

Ren stretched a loud  rather dramatic  yawn escaping her , ” I need to retire to my suite, and begin my  top secret night time routine ,and then get at least 3 hours 12 minutes of sleep , pressing up from the sofa she smiled ,glancing into  the camera closest to her , ” Goodnight …” she then looked to Ana , “Night  night!, oh and don’t worry i wont reveal your plan to oust the lady  doctor !” turning Ren ran up the stairs to her excessively large suite  camera crew in tow

Ana blinks again at Ren as she stands, declaring she needs at least 3 hours and 12 minutes of sleep.  “That’s ..very specific…” she says, nodding her head.  “Have a good night…” she murmurs, then seems to startle at Ren’s declaration.  “I’m not ousting anyone! she says, taking a grip on her chair and turning around suddenly, nearly knocking a piece of equipment over with one wheel and a leg.  “Ow….son of a bitch….” she waves the camera man and the piece of equipment aside.  “I’m not ousting anyone…” she says adamantly to the camera.  With that, she turns again, the gesture awkward at best, trying to wheel herself dramatically away from the cameras.

Here the episode wraps up with brief clips of the bathroom, and an Ana that looks like she is up to something, encouraging folks to tune in again for the next episode.

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