(the following is a video posted on the Observer website of a contestant interview for the upcoming Hathian Bachelor reality show)
David cleared his throat and looked at the camera when the director gave them the all clear to start. “Hello! Welcome to part two of our five part special, Meet the girls of the Bachelor. I am your host, David Pink. And I am so excited to introduce the next contestant to you all.” David didn’t seem his normal perky self. “Tonight I am sitting down with the ever so gorgeous Marina Clary. Marina! Thank you for sitting down with me.” He would gaze towards the camera with a vacant look then look over to Marina with a half smile.
Marina’s lashes fluttered across her eyes as all of a sudden everyone moved into position and everything had begun. Like a deer in headlights, she stared, startled into the camera for a few awkward seconds that felt far longer in her high little head. And all of a sudden her smile broke across her face a genuine expression that was full of warmth and her attention was on David. “It’s so nice to be here, this is super weird though.” She sat comfortably, bringing one leg up and beneath her, tucking her foot under one thigh. She wasn’t on ceremony, mostly relaxed, apart from the tell tale show of her fingers fumbling with the ends of her hair. ” Exciting though, super exciting. You know I’ve only been in town for a few months and I -never- thought I’d ever do anything like this. I mean, we didn’t even have a TV for a while..” oh Marina was a talker, definitely a talker.
David seemed to relax a little as Marina started to speak. He smiled back at her and sunk down into his chair a little. “Well We are super glad to have you here with us. Only a couple months? Wow. Well You are certainly going to be a household name now. Everyone is going to know who you are!” He glanced at the camera and flashed a smile. “No TV? How did you ever survive!?” David had always had everything. He never really had to struggle for a thing in his life. “So tell us a little about yourself to those at home that haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you.” David fidgeted a little as he worked on getting comfortable in his chair. He reached over and grabbed one of the iced coffees out of the tray that was on the table in front of them and took a quick sip before placing it back.
Marina’s lashes lowered across her eyes to watch her fingertips toy with the ends of wild hair. She smiled, ” That would be weird, everyone knowing me. Is that what happens?” She glanced at David again. ” I mean, what happens if people stop you when you’re trying to buy tampons. All women have to buy tampons sometime.” She took a breath and brought her second leg beneath her, entirely unaware that she was talking tampons in a TV interview. Because well, she was high when she had arrived to the studio. “Or worse! What if it’s something embarrassing, like…” and she finally paused, glancing at the camera with the realisation of what she was doing. A breath was taken before she stifled a small giggle. ” I uh, well i came to town to be with family. My mother sent me away to live with my Aunt when i was a kid and i never knew my dad.. i mean, he didn’t know i existed so it’s not his fault and man, he has a lot of kids.” She glanced at David again. ” Do you have kids? I mean, do you think that’s important in life? I don’t, but i don’t know if i really want them yet since I’m so young…” and she was off on a tangent again.” I look after my little brother Clio and Karn just had a kid and she was in jail again so..” and once again she stopped. ” So I’m Marina, I’m vegan and as has already been revealed on Twitter, I’m a virgin. It’s out of choice by the way, honour to my own body. I’m into natural living, I’m a bit of a horticulturist, you should see my garden..”
David gave a slight nod. “Oh you get used to it. I myself am a celebrity around here, It can be a bit tiring sometimes but really. The look on your fans faces as they see you just makes everything worth it.” he gave a big cheesy grin into the camera and made a little heart gesture with his hands. Of course he thought he was a celebrity. Not just in Hathian but a legit celebrity. “Oh well, Some people in this town don’t know how to wrap their package, If you know what i mean.” he gave a little wink to the camera then paused. “Oh.. me? Well this interview isn’t about me.. I mean. It’s a long story. But yes. I have a baby on the way.” he finally forced out. “Not something I was planning. But now that it’s happening I am happy about it.” David wasn’t going to get into the logistics of how everything happened on T.V. for everyone to see. he much preferred to use twitter for that. “Soo..” He would say trying to change the subject. “Are you excited to meet the Colonel? Do you think You might be a good match for him?”
Marina listened with some interest, ” Oh my god, are you! Congratulations!” And without warning she jumped up and threw her arms around the man sat opposite her in a warm gesture of celebration. ” Oh my god, have you thought of names yet?” Once again forgetting the point of the interview as she settled herself back upon the sofa and moved a few flowers to try and keep the modesty of her nipples in place. ” But right yes, the colonel. You know he slept with my mom. Is that weird?” She glanced at him again, a light flush upon her cheek. ” I mean, age is just a number right, it shouldn’t matter that the gap between us is so huge, what matters is what’s in your soul. I know what’s in mine and if it sings to his then isn’t that what matters? I’m ready to sing.”
David blinked as the woman jumped up and through her arms around him. David was weird when it came to touching. he was all good if he was the one hugging but he always felt weird when someone else touched him. He smiled awkwardly into the camera before giving a nod. “Yes, We have names picked out. I will have to tell them to you later.” His brow raised as he heard the Bachelor had been with her mom. “Oh Has he? Well no I don’t think that’s weird. And yes. Hopefully your souls will speak to each other! So what about the other girls. Have you met any of them? What are your impressions of them. Do you have any kind of plan on how you are going to deal with them?” David shifted a little in his seat as he took another sip from his drink.
Marina wasn’t used to talking about herself for so long, it was a strange process for the woman as she tried to find the words, a dry click of her tongue between breaths, ” I haven’t, but they seem a uh, a little more uh..” she tried but failed to complete her sentence. “I mean they’re a bit. I mean they’re super pretty but i don’t think I’ve ever been around women like that before? I’d like to get to know them but I have a feeling we’re from different worlds. So I guess, I’m must gunna be myself? I mean that’s all we can be, i see no point in wearing a mask, even the make up plastered on our faces is a mask. Take them all off and we’re all the same beneath, unable to hide from our truths.”
David smiled into the camera and then back at Marina. “And that’s all we can be now isn’t it. We just need to be ourselves and everyone’s true colors will shine through.” He tone was turning a bit pointed as he looked to be getting a tad bit upset. “And have you thought about how you are going t handle the objection? When the Bachelor, Like all men. Will reach into your chest, pull out your heart and then toy with it.” David had tears forming in his eyes as he started blankly towards the wall now. “He toys with it and toys with it and then he just throws it against the wall like it is some left over spaghetti.” David was starting to ugly cry now as only squeaks were getting through. “He will shit.. on.. it.. and… Then tell you its for the best. You need someone that only looks at you. Because you he is in love with his fucking Mexican husband that shot him. WHO LOVES SOMEONE THAT SHOOTS THEM?” David looked as he saw the producers and director having a slight freak out behind the camera and looked at Marina. He took a deep breath and sniffled a little. “Have you thought of that?” he would ask calmly.
Marina head slowly turned in David’s direction as he quickly went from collected host to ugly crying emotional mess in a few seconds flat. ” Oh shit-” she blurted as she glanced at the people stood behind the cameras and reached for the man sat across from her, a hand tried to clasp his, she was a toucher, her whole family was. ” Could someone get this man a drink?” She wasn’t great with the whole TVthing. ” This is why I’m still a fucking virgin,” she whispered in his direction as people moved behind the camera and she turned her cheek to murmur. ” It’s about respect for myself, protection until my soul finds it’s own counterpart. You deserve to find someone that sings to your soul David. ” Her eyes looked into his glasses before she continued. ” If the colonel’s soul and my own are meant to be then they will be, if they’re not then rejection is what comes with that. I’ll embrace it and remind myself that it wasn’t meant to happen. “She turned toward the camera. ” Are we done now? I think this is done right? Can you smoke in here? I think this guy needs a smoke.”
David looked towards Marina as she spoke to him and he just gave a couple nods as he did his best to stop crying. He would look into the camera and through tears he would try and muster the most pathetic looking smile he could. “Thank you, Marina for joining us on this lovely afternoon. We look forward to seeing you on this journey. I hope your souls are compatible and that they..” he paused and then closed his eyes and he blurted out, “Siiiiiing together.” In a long blubbering wail. “Join us next for Part three. Maybe someone else will be here.. I don’t know.. Bye..” David would look at Marina with a scrunched up face as he did is bust to stifle the sobs that were starting to well up inside him. The production team was staring in disbelief but also recording the happenings on their phones.
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