Miss Lonelyhearts

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I just had a baby and my vajajay is all out of whack down there.  How can i get it back in shape?
signed,

Loose as a goose

Dear Loose,
Ya, a baby will mess up your yumyum for sure, but you can do this exercise called a kriegle, i think.  You just tighten down your peepee muscle and then relax.  Just do a gazillion of them every day and pretty soon you’ll have a vagzilla that can crack walnuts.  But don’t, cuz those little pieces hurt and can get lost.  And forget about ping pong balls.  They’re way too expensive.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

My boyfriend has lots of girlfriends, and they all hang out with him at the same time, even when I’m with him.  What should i do?

signed,

Lost in the Crowd

Dear Lost,

Well, you could be like that lesbian dinosaur they just found called Lickalotapus and join the fun, or you could just strike out on your own, like with a brick or something.

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
My boyfriend cries at movies, funerals, weddings and truck pulls. It’s getting embarrassing.  What should i do?
signed,

Damp

Dear Damp,
Terrycloth is the answer.  I’ve seen some really cute tops made from it, and skirts, too.  It’ll soak up all that sloppy sobbing stuff.  Also, make sure your guy isn’t really a girl.  Though, I’ve never cried at a truck pull in my life.. oh wait, maybe once when that dog got run over.

 

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