Weekly Horoscopes 2/8 – 2/14

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Aries:(3/21 – 4/19)

Your amazing personal energy is crying out for exercise of some kind on Monday, so try to indulge it, just makes sure that there are no local law enforcement around if it is illegal. A long Sexual encounter should do the trick! You need to really listen to people this week, though it may be hard to avoid the temptation to criticize flaws as soon as you spot them, seeing as that your OCD tends to kick up at the most inopportune times. Encourage the people in your life to look at things with fresh eyes and critique their own work — they should learn more that way, but if all else fails don’t be afraid to break out the baseball bat. The weekend is a time of emotional turmoil for you, possible rape, though the odds are good that you don’t know exactly what’s going on down deep thanks to all the coke you did Friday night.

Taurus: (4/20 – 5/20)

You start the week still fired up from something that happened recently, and might be able to use that energy to get payback of some kind, just don’t forget to pack the hollow tips. Turn on the charm midweek, though — you need to make the most of your connectedness to other people while it lasts. You might be able to land a new friend or romantic partner if your pockets are deep enough, or your standards are low enough. Health issues may dominate your mind on Thursday and Friday, but they can be dealt with using positive measures and help from friends and family, as well as a visit to the local STD testing center. You’re a bit more sensitive than usual this weekend, so try to avoid folks who rub you the wrong way.

Gemini:(5/21 – 6/21)

You don’t back down on Monday, even in the face of overwhelming evidence, that payment you made to your local detective will pay off. You may not take your opinions all that seriously, but you defend them tenaciously! A new understanding comes your way midweek, and while it might be a bit disruptive, you can accommodate it eventually.  They Psych Department already has your padded cell ready. Have fun on Thursday and Friday — you deserve a break, and you and your people are all filled with great social energy, don’t be afraid to take it out in the weekly gang bang! Volunteering or community service (however you decide to define that) is perfect for your mood this weekend.

Cancer:(6/22 – 7/22)

Monday is a great day for shopping — within your limits, of course, make sure to hit up your local drug spot! You are more attuned to quality than usual and might find some deals, just don’t take the bottom of the barrel, that will fuck you up. In the middle of the week, you need to reopen lines of communication that have been down for some time, call up dear old alcoholic pops, or slutty mom. That may start out tricky, but it gets easier. Let your schedule fill up on Thursday and Friday, as it’s better for your mood to keep busy rather than puttering around aimlessly, just leave time for that douche that you need to keep yourself all fresh. The weekend brings some heavy emotional business, but you are completely ready for it, if you take the morning after pill!

Leo: (7/23 – 8/22)

You feel like a rock star as the week gets going, so live the life, stay high and fuck alot! If you want to skip out of responsibilities and do your own thing, you should, just remember when the time comes your going to have to fall in line. Money problems take you back to reality on Tuesday or Wednesday, but you should be able to wrap your mind around them without too much trouble, the blow job to the loan officer should help things along quite nicely. Call on support if you need it, life always is better when you have a threesome. As the week draws to a close, consider a date, even if you’ve been with your partner for decades. Your romantic energy is strong! The weekend is perfect for deep thought — at least one big issue in your life needs serious attention.

Virgo(8/23 – 9/22)

Your big heart is a major player on Monday, and it might be hard for you to walk by any scene of suffering, however minor it may be. Rack up some karma, and by that whore a new dress! The middle of the week sees you at your most energetic, and it’s a great time to finish up a project or go for a victory of some kind, just be careful cause bullet wounds hurt like a bitch. Don’t expect it to last forever, though — by Thursday or Friday, you should run into some small setback, thanks to your lack of kevlar, that would discourage anyone else but you, you PCP enhanced freak. Keep moving forward, and see if you can figure out what’s really going on over the weekend, thanks to the clarity of detox.

Libra: (9/23 – 10/22)

You and your best friends are in perfect sync as the week begins, so it’s a good time to resolve old confusions or make plans for later. Just make sure to tell him to bring the beer and you bring the weapons, should be a grand ol’ time. Tuesday and Wednesday are almost shockingly slow moving, and you shouldn’t worry if you don’t make any progress on work or home projects — they really can wait, you have more important things to do, like play with your new blowup doll Lucy! Your romantic energy is fully engaged later in the week (thanks to Lucy), so be sure to make time with your sweetie or go looking for someone new if you’re single, there is a girl on the corner named Angel you might want to look up. You may feel a little antsy this weekend, don’t worry just crabs, but making a few changes should soothe you.

Scorpio: (10/23 – 11/21)

You should do whatever you can to resolve disputes in a friendly way on Monday, because it’s all too easy for egos to get wrapped up so tightly they can’t budge, Plus no one wants to spend any time in jail. New information comes in midweek that intrigues you and almost certainly sets you off in a new and exciting direction — make time for it, just make sure that your money is already set.  Drug deals can be dangerous things. A challenge comes your way on Thursday or Friday that appears to be daunting but should actually prove to be rather easy to overcome, thanks to the local retards that cant count. Your amazing energy this weekend should help you get past anything that has been holding you back, use this time to make new friends, and clean lovers.

Sagittarius: (11/22 – 12/21)

You can’t help but speak out as the week begins, even if your opinion isn’t the most popular — yet, Just be wary of the alleyways, i see a rape in your cards in the near future. Keep talking and you should convince folks that your okay, despite the emotional damage that you have taken as of late. Slow down on Tuesday and Wednesday, as rushing only sets you back farther, money problems arise on these days, feel free to cut out those extra showers. If other folks pass you by, you know you’ll do the same to them later on. The legal system is important later in the week, but maybe in a rather unexpected or beneficial way, just make sure that your rape kit is validated by the lab. Every now and then, the system works! Pay attention to your nightmares and flashbacks this weekend, as they are much clearer than usual, allowing you to see your attacker.

Capricorn: (12/22 – 1/19)

Monday is just like Mondays are supposed to be — slow, bumbling and best seen as just a bridge between Sunday and Tuesday, the coke is gone, and your hangover throbbing. Once it’s past, your good energy starts to flow back and you find it easy to educate yourself on all sorts of new topics. If you do your homework a whole new profit stream will open up for you, make sure to take advantage of it. It’s a great time for you to get to know people better, harass them until you make them crack. You might make a career move on Thursday or Friday, though it could be so small that others might not see it for what it is, but it again will play out in the future make sure that you make the right choice. It all ties into your ambitions, which are much more obvious and easily accessed this weekend.

Aquarius: (1/20 – 2/18)

Your imagination is your best guide on Monday, and you should try to avoid censoring yourself or sticking with the plan if a better opportunity presents itself, use that sharp tongue to get what you want: verbally and physically. Shopping and financial issues at work could be stressful in the middle of the week, and you ought to make sure that you’ve got as much information as you can handle, before the cops start knocking on your door. That brainpower you are so famous for is fully active on Thursday and Friday, so you ought to be able to impress folks with your quick wit, just be careful on who you attack. The weekend is a good time to think about your job and career as a whole, and maybe to think about making changes. Perhaps something a bit more legit than dealing might be in your stars

Pisces: (2/19 – 3/20)

There’s a lot going on this week, and if you can get focus on Monday, it might last long enough for you to handle it all, so lay off he weed. Try to keep from straying too far. That Meth project you’re working on midweek is more important than it appears, so you should try your best to apply yourself to it totally. Resentment might build up on Thursday or Friday if you let yourself obsess over some debt owed you by a friend or family member, make sure to grab your bat and get your money. See the big picture, you need paper! You ought to be able to separate the good from the bad with greater ease this weekend, so get to it, and spread distrbiute the violence accordingly!

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