I may have been slightly off the mark last week, but I discovered that my charts of the heavens where in imperial measurements, and I only work in metric so I apologise. That being said, this week I am spot on…..
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are best to avoid joint ventures, you just know that they can’t be trusted and whatever you do, don’t lend to friends or relatives the thieving junkie bastards. Physical activity will help defuse your frustration, so go start a fight with some stranger, pummeling them into a bloody mess will help. Put your efforts into physical fitness programs or competitive sports although I am unsure that ‘smack my bitch up’ can be considered a competative sport. Consider a trial separation if you and your mate just can’t come to terms. If that fails, make it look like an accident.
Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your communication skills will bring you popularity and increased self esteem, the fact that you talk out of your arse when off your head on MDMA is besides the point, you are the life and soul of the party and you think everyone loves you. Educational pursuits should help you develop your hobbies read up on the chemical compounds before making up that Meth, you know it makes sense. Uncertainties regarding your home and family are evident. Not everyone will be pleased with your plans, although if you pay them off they will feel much better about it.
Your lucky day this week will be Sunday.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your mate will appreciate your honesty, well your version of the truth – don’t go int o tooo much detail, she may not appreciate it your truth about wanting to fuck her mother at the same time as her. Don’t be too confident that coworkers are on your side. Don’t be too pushy or demanding, or you may find yourself all alone – a happy gang member is a loyal gang member. Be careful of the groups you join or the people you associate with, make sure you always have the upper hand, don’t let those fuckers screw you over again!.
Your lucky day this week will be Sunday.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Don’t hesitate to voice your ideas and opinions. Someone you live with is ready to play emotional games slipping you a trip and whispering in your ear ‘you will NEVER come down’ – just check all your food and drinks from now on. You will be able to communicate well this week, now the swelling has gone down. Your mind is on moneymaking ventures, that diner is just itching to get robbed.
Your lucky day this week will be Saturday.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Communications with loved ones may be strained. Don’t upset elders in your family who don’t under stand your present situation, your mother may appreciate the money you bring in, but might not appreciate the origins. Misunderstandings could cause confusion and upset so be careful Tuesday when one wrong word may lead to a full scale riot, laying waste to the city. You may need to make a few alterations to your living arrangements, that body is starting to smell, and you will have to dispose of the corpse.
Your lucky day this week will be Sunday.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Unexpected events may be upsetting. You can come into money that you don’t necessarily work for, so it was worth diving into those dumpsters, even after all your friends took the piss. You will be appreciated for the competence you exhibit and for taking on responsibilities when you actually manage to drop the gear at the right address for a change. You might have a problem juggling your time so lay off the masturbating for a few days.
Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Try to understand their point of view. Don’t blame every thing on your mate – even if you know it’s all their fucking fault as per fucking usual, lazy shitbag. You can discuss your findings behind closed doors with your boss, scaling the greasy pole by grassing up your coworkers – what a star you are!. Avoid overloading your plate – you fat bastard.
Your lucky day this week will be Saturday.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can form new partnerships, but don’t move too quickly; things may not be as they appear its always good advice to check that she really is a girl before you let her suck you off, discovering that she is a he after is never pleasant. Travel will be favorable and bring you the greatest rewards. You are best to stick to yourself this week. Do not over expand if you have your own business. Sit tight. Wait for the rest of them to fuck up and then dive in.
Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t lend or borrow. You may feel a need to make changes to your legal documents, not to be the harbinger of doom and gloom and spoil your horoscope for next week but you should make a will, just to be safe. Uncertain get rich quick schemes will not be as lucrative as you anticipate. Try not to overreact to the loss again, the burial grounds are getting a bit full.
Your lucky day this week will be Saturday.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you are not already, think about going into business for yourself, if those rednecks can make meth, then any idiot can. Don’t divulge secret information. Do not allow colleagues to hinder your ambitions. Be sure to take care of any minor ailments as that rash won’t go away without anti-biotics.
Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You have the stamina and determination to succeed. Your emotional stability may influence the changes taking place in your personal life so maybe this wasn’t the best time to stop taking those anti-psychotics. Be sure to keep communication open with those you live with. Be careful what you say. Revealing all your crazy right now won’t do you any favours long term, you will just frighten them off.
Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your involvement in interest groups may bring you popularity. Changes in your home environment are likely. You can pick up valuable information if you listen to those with more experience. Try not to lend or borrow money this week.
Your lucky day this week will be Friday.
