Consulting the heavens and reading my faux crystal ball I have forseen your futures…….
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Paranoid? insecure?? choking that stripper to death will only be a temporary fix, why not just kill them all and feel better forever?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember your Dad’s advice? ‘Nobody loves a quitter!’, that restraining order? why she’s just playing hard to get.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You seem to be getting conflicting signals from her, her eyes say ‘yes, yes, yes’ but her screams seem to say ‘no, no, no’
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Self awareness is the first step – congratulations!!! the Second step is stopping drinking so much that you soil yourself in the gutter.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Bored? Shiftless?? Alone?? why not find a new sex partner in your circle of friends? If you best friend enjoys fucking him, chances are you will too!
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your dreams will come true this week, no, not the lottery winning dream, the one where you are buttfucked by the New Zealand Rugby team.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Thats the problem with Heroin, its very moreish.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You don’t have to wait for your partner to make the first move. You don’t even have to wait for them to wake up. That is the one big advantage of marriage.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Damn kids driving you crazy, just smack ’em around a little, nobody is going to believe them anyway.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Today will bring you happiness as you continue your search for love…pity you had to drop the soap in the mens locker room to find it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don’t be concerned with your current predicament, there are some benefits to sleeping rough in the streets, you can be close to the fires you start for example…. Look on the bright side.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You will be feeling low this week, to improve your self esteem go get shitfaced and sleep with the first person who will have you, it will do you ego the world of good!